I miss You...

I was born, and the moment the dim light of this new world hit my eyes, I didn't yet know it, but I began mourning, because I missed You. When I was scared, when I was restless, when I was sad, it was because I missed You.
And now I know I will never be truly content until we are standing face to face. When my body shakes and I lose myself inside, it is because I miss You. When I forget how to breathe, when I cannot sleep, it is because I miss You.
I came into this world with tears in my eyes and a cry in my throat, with the agony of being torn away from You, and since then all I have done is try to find my way back to You. Find my way home.

Home. This place is not my home. This house is not my home. These people are not my home. And yet, i love them. I'm drawn to them, then pushed away, then drawn back again. This ebb and flow. It's draining me. They are draining me. Suffocating me. They are the ones who want me to hide everything that ever made me feel alive. They are the ones who cringe with embarrassment when they hear my "Jesus music." They are of this world. They are broken. They are crying, screaming, clawing, fighting their very hardest just to survive.... then there's me. We live in the confines of the same walls, the same floors, the same roof, the same struggles and pain and fears. I cry, too. I scream. I claw and fight, but for something different, something else, something more.

Guilt. It's consuming me. I have been handed the key to my chains. I have been given irrevocable joy. And i hold the secret so close to my heart that sometimes, if I lose myself for a minute, even I can feel as though it's still a mystery. But it's not. The answer, the beautiful Man burning with desire and pouring out grace upon grace has spoken. My heart has heard it. It echoes. Only within me, never without. At least not to them.

I know they need you. I know they miss You. Give me the strength, Father.

And keep me close, whisper into my ear that soon, soon, You will be holding me again. Soon, soon, we will be a part of one another. I will endure every bit of the death bestowed on me in this body, if only to discover that You are hidden underneath. And I will awaken to eternal life with tears in my eyes and a smile on my lips, and finally, I will miss You no longer. We will miss you no longer.